It’s that time of year again!
You know what I’m talking about. That time of year when you pull on your Eddie George jersey, hitch up your knee socks, slide on your 2001 NY Giants NFC Champions hat, and venture outside to smell the smell: the smell of training camp.
Of course, it’s way too damn hot for a sports nerd like you to leave the friendly confines of central air, so you sit down at your computer and begin prosnosticating instead.
Now this is where I come in. I, personally, own no team apparel in my attempt to keep the revenue-tied salary cap as low as possible, so I don’t follow your ritual. Rather, I skip right to sipping fine wines and slowly scrolling, pinkie out, through team schedules, guessi—er, predicting—the result of each game while wearing my heavily starched nightcap.
This usually results in my humiliation come February—usually sooner depending on when a team’s 1,200 yard running back goes down for the year. If anybody paid attention to hockey, people would be laughing at my prediction of St. Louis winning the central last year, too.
With further ado, I would like to mention that football is not on my good side (in other words, they are on my monocled side). In all of sport, no league can attest to the level of mediocrity that the NFL has. I love hot 8-8 v. 6-10 action! Who will be on the bubble this year? Tennessee? Carolina? Washington? Can Oakland climb from the depths of 4-12 to join the prestigious 7-9 club? Oh the thrills! Only more commercials could dull this staccatoed 17 minutes of 4 yard at a time ecstasy!
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Here are my game-by-game predictions arranged into what I will call projected “standings.”
New England Patriots 14-2 Buffalo Bills 10-6 New York Jets 5-11 Miami Dolphins 3-13 Indianapolis Colts 12-4 Jacksonville Jaguars 11-5 Tennessee Titans 8-8 Houston Texans 5-11 Pittsburgh Steelers 8-8** Cleveland Browns 8-8 Cincinnati Bengals 6-10 Baltimore Ravens 5-11 San Diego Chargers 13-3 Denver Broncos 10-6* Oakland Raiders 6-10 Kansas City Chiefs 4-12 Dallas Cowboys 13-3 New York Giants 11-5 Philadelphia Eagles 8-8 Washington Redskins 8-8 Minnesota Vikings 10-6 Green Bay Packers 9-7 Chicago Bears 8-8 Detroit Lions 7-9 New Orleans Saints 10-6 Carolina Panthers 7-9 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 6-10 Atlanta Falcons 4-12 St. Louis Rams 8-8*** Seattle Seahawks 8-8 San Francisco 49ers 6-10 Arizona Cardinals 5-11 *defeated Buffalo 1-0 in season series **defeated Cleveland 2-0 in season series ***defeated Seattle in 5th tiebeaker (strength of victory)By the way, that thing was a fromatting nightmare, so don’t bitch that your team is 6-10 instead of 7-9. Suck it up or trade for Brett Favre.
-The Egalitarian
