Meet Fop and Dandy.
Though their adjectival names might be synonymous, these two powdered wigs of men have disagreed on many topics through many meetings through many years. From arguing about appeasement in Neville Chamberlain’s private bath to arguing about Joba Chamberlain in Joe Girardi’s private bath, they cannot agree on anything. Mythology states that their contests began when the question of the fastest game bird in Europe arose. Fop argued the golden plover while Dandy argued the grouse, and, well, you can infer where it went from there. Their encounters have since been the sport of legend—sport of the mouth.
For your pleasure, one dictated dispute between Fop and Dandy.
Time: 1:15 AM
Place: Flannery’s Pub
Topic: Should the British enunciate?
Fop: In the name of the king, Dandy, how can you be against the British enunciating?! I can’t understand a word any of them say…and I’m British!
Dandy: Tut tut, gentle Fop, we both know the reason. You see, you simpleton, British mumbling is a part of Britannia, just as George Washington’s wooden teeth or the fuzzy arm hair on a trucker is a part of Americana.
Fop: Pshaw! I say, if I weren’t too inebriated from this fine ale, I would have the urge to slap you on the face!
Dandy: That’s because you know I’m right. I’m always right. Remember the grouse?
Fop: Of course I remember the grouse!!! But this time you are wrong. When an American mumbles, they are lazy, stupid, dull. When a Brit mumbles, it’s charming. It’s sexy. I’ve never been called sexy, and I powder with lead eight times a…whoa, I feel woozy.
Dandy: Can’t hold your liquor, eh?
Fop: I’m sorry, I can’t understand your mumbling.
Dandy: Seriously? You don’t mumble? You’re pretty much a communist. Communist.
Fop: There are benefits to this communist enterprise. By not mumbling, people can understand me when I order food at the behest of my communist brethren. I can be the next Morgan Freeman, and my paycheck can be put into our common pool of funds. Seriously? You do mumble? You’re pretty much a normal member of society. Normal member of society.
Dandy: Well at least this didn’t degrade into a senseless argument based on name calling, you slag cobbler.
Fop: Pussywillow.
Dandy: Twat twiddler.
Fop: Ricky Gervais.
Dandy: Ouch, that’s cold.
Fop: Like ice.
Dandy: Speaking of which, I do believe it’s time for another round. Agreed?
Fop: Agreed. Barkeep!
Irish bartender: Oh, tuh toy toy toy toy toy. Me counter’s banjaxed! Ale’s on me gaff, says I, tuh toy toy toy.
Dandy: What the hell did he just say?
Fop: Victory!!!
–The Egalitarian
